My life story

After writing this originally to help a friend and his daughter, to serve as a source of inspiration, I decided to share it with my friends and people I counsel as well. Due to the great response I have had, I wanted to see if you would have an interest as well, as I know my story is very inspirational and beneficial to many.

Of course, this is only bits and parts of my story, in broad strokes, but it gives a fairly good description of my journey.


I came to earth to be a healer. As a child I was highly intuitive, but it got repressed at an early age. I am ready now, after having learned the lessons I need in order to mature what I am, and reach my full potential. I have been to deep levels of hell, to learn and experience pain, fear, suffering and despair, so that I can relate to those that now walk in the darkness where I once was.

In the past couple of years, I have done healing work pro bono with people reaching really good result. I have came to aid to a few people that has been suicidal, and helped some with drug addictions and other healing work. Now in this new year, I am ready to do a lot more. Right now I am finally taking the last steps of evolving into my full potential as a being of light.

I grew up in a suburb in Sweden, with a lot of daily physical and mental abuse. A lot of violence, blood, fear, verbal and physical violence. I was almost killed by my own mother a couple of times, I witnessed her cutting her wrist if not a weekly basis, on a monthly basis. Both my parents were alcoholics, my dad totally disconnected emotionally, and my mother also a drug addict that would lose her temper in a second, and her behavior was very unpredictable.

I have no memories before the age of six.
My first memory I can remember was that of my parents arguing, my mom was throwing up in a bucket by the bed, and my dad was upset with her, she in return was upset with him because he would pee on the living room floor when drunk.

My mom left my dad when I was around 7-8, and she took me with her. I watched one of her boyfriends trying to strangle her when I was 11-12, and the sounds she made is something one never forgets. My own screams scared him away, and alerted the neighbors. Before that, she had tried to kill one of her previous boyfriends, who in return tried to kill her. She by hitting him in the head with a frying pan, him by strangling her with the rope from a bathrobe. (My mom also burned down three of my dad's cars, attacked my dentist with a bunch of books, and also attacked our social worker, to name a few of her escapades). She was quite the fire cracker at 4'11 with red hair and beautiful green eyes. She used to put sleeping pills in my milk at night so I would be asleep so she could go out to drink without me waking up in the middle of the night. It was not confirmed it was sleeping pills, but that is my own assumption. All I know at that age, was that there was some sort of crunched up bitter powder in my milk that usually settled at the bottom, that she gave me before bedtime.

Because of my mother showing up drunk to my school, falling in the corridors, and picking fights with the other parents and teachers, I was bullied through my school years until I turned 13 and started defending myself. (Being the smallest kid didn't help the situation either). I got beat up on a daily basis, and I was very lonely. I hid in books and fantasy worlds. I grew up thinking I was worthless. I lived with that belief until I was 31. There was also sexual abuse, and rape in my past.

At age 17 a cab driver intended to rape me, but for whatever reason, maybe he panicked when I struggled, he didn't end up raping me. Instead he strangled me until I passed out. He then broke my skull bone and nose with a police baton (the feather batons that are now illegal to use due to the vibrating internal damage they cause), and continued to strangle me with a dog leash. When I woke up he had dumped me in some bushes in a forest. This was in November in Sweden. When I woke up, I crawled around for approx 12-15 hrs before a jogger found me. Passing out on and off, just to regain consciousness again. My head was so mangled that I thought he had groped my eyes out, because the surface of my face was pretty much even, and I could not feel my facial features where my eyes were supposed to be. Ground beef feels like a good description. My head was literally twice it's normal size in the beginning of my hospital stay. The police examiner had examined people with half my damages, that were diseased. I technically should not have survived that. I was blessed in that I did not sustain any permanent injuries. I had to wear an eye patch for a few months due to double vision, and it took a while to heal everything that was broken physically. It took a lot longer to heal what had been broken internally. (If you decide I will make a good guest on your show, perhaps you can help me get the images the police took of me after the attack. I want them also for a book I am writing. Most might be too graphic to show on television though, even though they mostly are of my face)

At the time that happened, I was finally in a stable place for the first time in my life. I had just gotten my own apartment two months previous, and had my first real long term boyfriend (we had just started dating at that time, and he was my sole support for the next two years). I was in art college, the teachers pet, and quite talented, with good grades and bright prospects for the future. After that event, I finally crashed. My anxiety and PTSD was so severe I would sit shaking all night in a corner with a knife in my hand. I started to self medicate with alcohol. No one knew what to do, so no one offered me any help. Instead most avoided me. At that time, I lived on a small island, and because I came from a big city and had lived on a girls home for a year (I was there voluntarily, to get away from my old life, but most of the girls there was heroin addicts etc) there was a lot of talk about that I must had provoked this to happen to me. People would rather believe that, then think it could happen to them or to their own daughters. (The fact was that I had nodded off in the cab when he attacked me)

My emotional pain and fear was so intense I tried to end my own life a few times during my twenties.I did not really want to die, but I could not cope with my anxiety and fears. My world was literally hell to me. I started modeling in my early twenties, and on the outside I was successful and seemed like a glamorous party girl. I frolicked with famous people, went to flashy parties and mansions. On the inside, I was a terrified child, who thought I was not only worthless, but ugly inside out, soon to be found out as the fraud I felt like. I thought my only value laid in my ability to be sexually attractive, and this of course attracted the type of people who would reinforce those beliefs. I did not feel worthy of living. I desperately wanted to have a family and be loved, but I had no idea how to achieve this, so I went from relationship to relationship, but never feeling safe enough to let anyone in far enough that I could trust them or let my guard down. I broke a lot of hearts by pushing people away in fear, which just enforced my belief of my own badness.

My mother died sometime during the summer of -98, when I was 23 and she 51, she was too decomposed by the time they found her to know what the cause of death was. There is more to it, but lets leave it at that for now. All I want to add is that I have a deep love for her, and I wish she had not suffered so immensely her whole life. She never got the second chance I did. Her death was a relief, as her suffering had finally reached an end.

I also have nothing but love for my father, both my parents did the best to their capacity.

In February of -99 I moved to California.

I never expected to live as long as I have. I didn't think I would reach adulthood, and I certainly did not think I would hit 30, so I never planned for the future. Never dared to dream. I lived in constant fear, and with the belief I was helpless, worthless, and unable to change. I also attracted the kind of people that would reinforce those beliefs, and I allowed them to treat me badly, after all, that is how life was, and I deserved it. From the good people I met, I was unable to absorb their love. I had decided to end my life at the age of 30 if things had not improved by then. But I was too afraid to even do that. My thirty-first year was my worst year as an adult, I had hit rock bottom. I was on a fast track to death, to afraid to end my life directly, but doing it through my life style and the choices I made.

At age 32, everything changed. Someone entered my life that I fell head over heels in love with. This person happened to also be a very good therapist in profession, and unbeknown to him, he gave me the tools I needed to open my eyes to a different reality, and get a glimpse of what was outside the little black box I was living in. He gave me a copy of "The power of now", a copy of "What the bleep", audio tapes by Marianne Williamson reading from "A course in Miracles", and overnight I changed. It was such a huge change that I literally thought I was going insane. I cried for hours every night, in confusion, relief, fear, and absolute bliss. I felt so dirty and unworthy, and at the same time, so liberated and free. I had something I never had before, I had hope. One moment of how I felt then, was worth all the previous suffering and pain I had experienced.

I saw this man as a demi god. He was perfect in my eyes. So with delight, and the new knowledge of being able to change, I set upon a journey to become better. I wanted so much to be worthy of his love. I quit drinking, quit smoking cigarettes, quit all bad habits, almost overnight. The change in me was amazing. I was blossoming.

When I started to discover that my lover was only human too, my love did not subside, but it grew even larger, I loved him even more. We were so alike I discovered, so that to be able to love him unconditionally, I had no other choice then to learn to love myself as well. How could I condemn something in myself, and at the same time, fully accept it in my lover?
I could not.

His experience was different from mine, and although the bond between us was divine, and to me beyond the mortal limitations of this world, things started to fall apart between us. That brought me back down again from the cloud I had been living on. Brought me back down hard. However, with my new found knowledge of change, options, expanded consciousness, choice, and love, I would never again find myself in that darkness I once thought was the only world there was. I experienced many things with him, within myself, that blew my mind, and I realized that there was so much more then just the five sensory world I had been living in. There was definitely a divine force at work, creating to me what was unexplainable and wonderful experiences.

I also had an infected root canal that went unnoticed for several years. I got it in -05, but started to get sick half way through -06, and was very sick by -07. I had no pain from the tooth, so I did not connect my illness with the tooth, and the doctors I went to did not either. In the beginning of February of -08, I was literally one breath from dying. I was down to 80lbs and could barely walk. I then had emergency surgery and they removed the tooth and part of my jaw bone. It would take me a long time to recover from that illness, since the infection had caused havoc in other areas of my body as well.
However, that near death experience was a necessary part of my journey as well. I found out that most people that inhabited was not truly caring for me, and not really friends, but just people I knew.
It allowed me to gain clarity and let go of a lot of the old. I also had a big awakening that few experience before they are on their actual death bed. I made my life review, saw my life flash before my eyes, and understood that my only regret was that I had not loved more, not been braver with my love. I regretted the times where my fear or ego came in the way of me expressing my love, or following my dreams. I vowed not to make the same mistake again if I survived, but to dedicate my life to love, loving myself, loving life, loving those around me. Because when you strip it all down, that is all that really matters. I consider myself blessed to have that knowledge.

Despite still having some personal physical healing left to do, the heartbreaking choice to let my lover go at that time, as well as some financial management and other smaller things, I am living in most of my dreams now. I have love. A love inside me that nothing and no one can extinguish.
I have the love of wonderful people in my life. My lover and I also very recently re-united after taking time apart for personal growth. I am living my fairytale! I see the beauty of nature, of living, I see beauty in every person, myself included. I know what a blessing it is to have been given this brief moment of life,of consciousness, to experience being. The deep gratitude I feel can not be expressed in words, neither can the love. So how can I want to do anything but give back? Give as much love as I can, help heal as many as I can, enjoy all the gifts that is life that I have been given to enjoy. Take as good care of myself, and anyone that crosses my path, as I can.

I finally know I am worthy of this, and my desire is to help awaken others to see that we all are. Inside every person is a divine light, every person is beautiful, even if he or the world around him fail to see it.
Most people just don't know it. Damaged by their parents, who could not do better because they too were damaged, and by society where we need more love and less fear. I feel it is my purpose and passion to awaken whomever I can assist to the joy, bliss, and love to be alive! To be a light worker and help heal the human kind,mind and spirit. To share the gift of consciousness and love the Universe bestowed upon me. To help create heaven on earth, for myself, and for others.

That is my reason for wanting to participate as a guest on your show. With my story show that it is possible to overcome anything. I have already in the last few years helped hundreds of people in their own healing process, some that would be happy to be on your show with me. I want this opportunity to reach so many more, an opportunity that your show would provide for me.
So please consider inviting me as a guest.

With infinite love and gratitude,
~Anna

http://www.myspace.com/annalieb
http://annalieb.wordpress.com/



Love infinite,
~Anna